


My Salvation

by TheGirlInThisWorld



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anxiety, Drugs, F/M, Friendship, Love, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self Harm, Suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-31
Updated: 2016-08-04
Packaged: 2018-07-28 07:53:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7631482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheGirlInThisWorld/pseuds/TheGirlInThisWorld
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is right after Spencer Reid had been tortured, then rescued.<br/>The flashbacks haunting him,<br/>The drugs slowly taking over his life.<br/>"Self Destruction" Is all that fills up Spencers lost mind.<br/>Who will finally see his suffering?<br/>Will the new Agent, who is an old friend be his salvation?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> OKAY, THIS IS NOT GONNA CONTINUE LIKE IT USED TO AFTER EPISODE 15, SEASON 2.  
> THIS IS FAN FICTION, I MADE THIS UP, SO PLEASE DONT SUE ME WITH THE "That's actually not what happened" COMMENTS. THANKS <3  
> btw I wrote this at 4 am, so yes probably typos all over the place, oops

Hotch walked into the office, everyone was doing their work. His eyes scanned the room, everything looked like it used to.  
Everyone doing their work, answering phone-calls, looking at their computer and talking to people about the latest missing people.  
Even though it seemed like a normal work day, the Team still couldn't get the videoes of Reid getting tortured, out of their mind.  
Hotch also had news to the team, and said they all should meet in his office.  
Everyone, except Morgan walked in the second he said is. Hotch stared at Morgan's back, Morgan seemed like he didn't hear it.

"Morgan, did you hear what I said?" Hotch called out again, and finally Morgan turned around.  
His dark eyes looking more broken than ever before.  
"If this is about Reid, I don't wanna go in there.." Morgan said and turned around to read some papers.  
"No, get in here now." Hotch then said, in a sharper tone. Morgan turned around and walked into his office, didn't even look at Hotch.  
Everyone stood around his table, and looked anxious. Hotch then took a deep breath, and then started to speak.  
"We are gonna get a new Agent in our Team"  
Everyone looked surprised. Then Morgan suddenly hit the table with his hand and then yelled  
"What about Reid, is he just gone?! Not the damn boys fault he got kidnapped!" He looked mad, his eyes looking directly at Hotch.  
"Now, hear me out Der-" was all Hotch could say before Morgan was yelling again.  
"We found him again! He might not be as strong as us, but you damn well know we need him!" His eyes looked more hopeless than angry.  
J.J put a hand on his shoulder, but he just pushed her away. She looked slightly hurt, but everyone was hurting.

"Morgan, the new Agent isn't taking Reid's place, but we need another Agent on our team."  
Everyone suddenly looked calm, even Morgan.  
"Did you really think, I would ever let that brainiac go from our team, Morgan?" Hotch then said and looked slightly dissapointed over at Morgan.  
Morgan just shaked his head.  
J.J then suddenly asked something.  
"Who is this new Agent, if I can ask sir?" She looked really excited.  
Hotch sat down in his chair, and then took a sip of his coffee.  
"Well, she is around Reid's age, and she is also incredible smart. She has stu-" was all Hotch could say, before his office door opened.  
In, walked a young girl, with curiosity in her eyes .  
She had black, beautiful long hair. Her blue eyes was framed in a smokey eye look, and made her look mysterious.  
She was wearing some small, black boots that was just above her ankel. Some black skinny jeans and a white shirt with a leather jacket on.  
"Hi, I'm Anastasia Miller, Is this Aaron Hotchtner's office?" She asked and cracked a smile. 

After 2 hours of talking to everyone at the team, and seeing were everyone has their office, she asked if she could get to walk a bit for herself. They all let her go, and went back to their work.  
"Hey, if you need any help, you can always ask me." Morgan said and smiled a little bit. She blinked at him, and went to the second floor.  
Right beside her new office, was another office, the Team hadn't shown her. There was no light in there, but she wanted to see what was in there.  
She then slowly opened the door, and saw no one was in there. She turned on the light, and the whole room suddenly looked way more interresting.  
There were many books, paintings, boxes of paper and so much more. She then walked over to the desk, and saw a family photo.  
The boy on the picture..She had seen him before.  
How old was he here? Mabye 17?  
There was just him and his mom.  
Anastasia took the picture closer, and suddenly it hit her.  
"Oh my, Spencer.." She whispered, still looking at the picture.  
"Yeah, that's me. And what the hell are you doing in here?" Spencer Reid said, standing in the door.  
Anastasia almost dropped the picture, but sat it down and walked away from the desk.  
"I'm so sorry, I just wanted to see who was in the office next to me." She said and looked nervous.  
"You somehow know me, but I just can't put my finger on where I know you from.." He then said and walked closer to her.  
Anastasia looked very confused. That wasn't true, the Spencer she once knew, had an eidetic memory, he had to remember her.  
"Spencer, it's Anastasia? We used to be really good friends until we both were around 18..I lived across your house.." She then said and started to walk towards the door.  
"But I'm sorry for walking into your office." She said right before walking out. He then whispered something.  
"I hope I somehow will remember you, but please don't tell the others I'm here..."  
Anastasia looked worried at Spencer. He looked so wounrable, so tired and lost.  
His eyes was dark, and sadness was shinning through so clearly. He was standing with his arms crossing his stomach, like he was hiding something.  
"Spencer, why should nobody know you're here?" She then asked and closed the door. Nobody could hear them now.  
He looked like he had no words to say. He just shaked his head, and then looked at her.  
"They haven't told you yet what happended, have they?" He then asked and somehow made himself look so small.  
"No, they haven't.."  
She moved closer to Spencer, but he just looked up at her.  
"Just, ask them about Spencer Reid." He then walked over to the door, and then walked out.  
He took a backdoor out, and he was gone.  
Anastasia looked confused out on the backdoor, but then walked down to Morgan.  
"I actually have something to ask for. Where is Spencer Reid, I saw his name on the office next to me"  
Morgan suddenly looked like someone who was lost in the darkness.  
They both sat down, and he started to explain.  
After some time, Morgan left and Anastasia was just sitting there.  
Trying to imagine what must have gone through Spencer's mind when all that happended.


	2. The lost and found

It had been a week, since Spencer last showed up at work. He walked into the bathroom, and found the small bottle of dilaudid. He folded his sleeve up, and filled the syringe up with the drug. He then pressed it againt his arm, and could feel it get into his vains. He put his head back, and enjoyed the feeling of feeling happy. For now.  
After some time, he folded his sleeve down, and looked at himself. When did he begin to look so tired?  
He put a shirt over the mirror, he couldn't look at himself. He put on a pair of pants, and went out to his car. His vision was not the best when he was under the influence of the drug but he had to show up at work.  
The others would mabye start to think, something more was up.  
He made it to work, and walked in the front door. The first familiar face was J.J, she looked surprised and started to walk towards Spencer. He felt like she was gonna ask if he was okay, but he couldn't handle talking to anyone right now. He crossed his arm over his stomach and just walked by J.J without saying anything. Her blonde hair had gotten shorter hadn't it? He couldn't even remember her eye color.

He walked up the stairs, but could hear his name be said. Probably J.J telling Hotch that he was here.  
Spencer closed the door and folded the curtains down. He hated the sun-light, his eyes felt so sensitive towards it.  
He prayed that they would just... Not care about him, and leave him alone.  
Spencer could hear Anastasias voice outside, and then he suddenly remembered her.  
He opened his desk drawer and found a folder of old pics.  
After searching for a bit, some pictures of Spencer and Anastasia showed up. He started to smile, something he hadn't done in a long time.  
Suddenly somebody knocked on the door, and Spencer hid the pictures.  
"Come in" Spencer said, even though he didn't want to let anyone in.  
Hotch walked in, and he looked worried.  
He closed the door behind him, and moved a chair over the desk.  
Spencer knew Hotch wanted to talk. The way he looked worried.  
"How are you feeling, Reid?" Hotch then asked and looked directly into Spencer's eyes.  
"I'm great, never been better." He then said, sounding kind of pissed off.  
"I'm not stupid. You may have an higher IQ, but everyone can see you aren't okay." Hotch then said.  
Spencer started to feel really bad, he wanted to vomit. He tried to stay focused, but his mind was running wild.  
Suddenly, the word "Suicide" started to fill his mind. He tried to stay calm, but the word kept being there.  
"Reid, are you even hearing what I'm saying?" Hotch said, and stood up.  
Spencer then looked at Hotch, and tried to seem okay.  
"Shouldn't we be with the others, looking at a case?" Spencer said and smiled.  
Hotch didn't seem to totally buy it, but they both went down stairs to the others.  
They all looked surprised yet worried when they saw him, but they just walked over to the papers.  
"I got a call about 4 kids, all girls, going missing yesterday." Prentiss said and looked at Hotch. He looked at the files they had gotten about the four girls, and they went into one of the rooms and started to find clues.  
Spencer couldn't focus. Not at all.  
He tried, he really did. He mostly just sat down and looked at the board as the Team found out more and more.  
Suddenly Morgan found something major out, and ran into Garcia's room. Hotch and the rest went out to the cars, but right before Spencer could go into a car, J.J stopped him.  
"Reid, we decided to let you and Anastasia stay at the office with Garcia, and help her." She tried to give him a comforting smile, but Spencer just looked pissed off and walked away from the cars. He saw them drive away fast, and all he then could hear was the sounds of the cars far away.  
"Wanna come inside, isn't much we can do until some from the Team calls." Anastasia said, walking up beside Spencer.  
He was looking up at the sky, even though it hurt his head.  
Spencer just looked up, and Anastasia seemed hopeless and started to walk back in.  
"I actually remember you, Anastasia.." Spencer then said. That made her turn around, and walked up to him.  
"You do?" She then asked, and a smile came across her face.  
He then looked at her, but he couldn't smile. He just couldn't.  
"I do. I found old pics of us, we looked so happy.." He then said, and started to turn around to walk inside.  
"And you aren't happy right now, are you? I get it, if you aren't. After what Tobias did to you.." She said, hoping he would speak out. "Just, you don't have to talk to me about it. But please, talk to someone.." She then added.  
Spencer kept walking, but right when he was about to open the door, he turned around and tried to smile.  
"I'm just in pieces right now, okay? I will...get better one day" and then he was inside the building again. Out of her vision. 

"You're not alone about that..." She then whispered and just looked down.

 

All these monsters, trapped in peoples minds.


	3. Old friendship

A month had past, everything at the office was getting back to normal.  
Anastasia and Spencer had started to talk a lot after work.  
She somehow made everything a little better for him. Finally he could start to see light in all the darkness he was trapped in.  
He still hadn't told anyone about his drug addiction, but he thought he would still just keep it to himself.  
The things that was on his mind, he didn't want to share. Didn't want to be in the way or be annoying.

Spencer was sitting in his office, looking at some clues about 2 guys going missing. He still had a hard time to think straight, but he tried.  
He looked up at his office, Anastasia had helped him clean it up a bit, she even put some flowers in there. The smell from them reminded him of her, and he smiled.  
"Hey Spence, we need your brain, there is something very importent vi have to talk about" J.J said, sounding worried. Spencer looked scared, but stood op and started to walk towards her.  
"I was joking, nothing bad don't worry" She then said and put a hand on his shoulder and laughed. "We just want to throw a little party for Anastasia, for her being so good at making everyone smile here on the office." J.J then added, and Spencer looked excited.  
"She really is...great at that" Spencer then said and started to blush. J.J saw that and suddenly started to say in a high pitched voice; "Does our little Spence here actually have a lil' crush?"  
He just laughed and started to walk downstairs with J.J. Everyone, except Anastasia was in the main office. Hotch saw Spencer and J.J and then closed the door in the office.  
"So, this party here. I think we could all use a little fun and a couple of drinks. Dosen't that sound great?" Hotch then said and actually smiled. A rare thing to see him do.  
Everyone seemed happy about the idea, and the excitement started to fill the air.  
"Shouldn't we have the party here?" Morgan then added and looked around in the office. He smiled, and waited to see how Hotch reacted. Hotch nodded, and everyone got things to bring to the little event. It was going to happen tommorow night, and the plan was to tell Anastasia, that she had to work over due to the fact J.J was going on a vacation, but that was of course not true.  
Spencer had to bring some champagne bottles and what else he could fine. That wasn't a problem, he had plenty in his apartment. 

The next day at work, everyone seemed way too happy than normal and Anastasia could feel something was up. She saw Prentiss smiling and being all happy while talking to Morgan, so Anastasia walked over there.  
"Why are you all so full of secrets at the moment?" Anastasia asked them, but they just giggled and tried to seem like they had no idea what she meant. Anastasia just laughed at them and turned around smiling. She was happy to see them all actually seeming happy.  
Anastasia's work day was over, and she walked home. After an hour, she then got a text from Hotch.

"Hello Anastasia, we all have to work now again, we need you here in an hour.

Hotch"

Anastasia just turned off her phone and sat down in her sofa. "Guess when people said you would actually work 24/7 in this job, it was actually true" she said to herself and laughed a bit. She walked into the bathroom and fixed up her makeup a bit and brushed her hair again. After a cup of coffee, she headed back to the office.  
All 7 from the Team was waiting in the main office and they had all bought a little present. The door got opened, and in walked Anastasia.  
Everyone shouted "Surprise!" and she smiled a lot. All of them gave her a hug, and then started to give her their present.  
She got a pretty watch from J.J, and Anastasia loved it.  
From Morgan she got a book from a author she loved, and hugged him again.  
From Hotch she got a pair of earrings, that was so pretty. She almost started to tear up, and he then hugged her again. Anastasia whispered "Thank you" in his ear, and he just smiled.  
Garcia and Prentiss had bought a giftcard to a clothe brand she loved. From Gideon she got a very special book with poems, and she absolutely loved it.  
Anastasia then turned around and looked at Spencer.  
He walked over to her, and gave her a little box. It was very light, but it was a cute little package.  
In it was a silver necklas, that had a little feather on it. Her gaze then moved to Spencers eyes, and she put her arms around him and hugged him.  
"Thank you so much, Spencer" She whispered, and she pulled away. He then took her hand, and then the necklas.  
Anastasia turned around and moved her long, black hair to the side so he could put the necklas on.  
He got it on her, and she turned around to look at him. A big smile was on her face, and so on his.  
They all started to take some of the food, and the champagne was soon gone. Empty bottles, relaxing music and laughter filled the office, and jokes was shared.  
Hours went by, and more bottles was emptied.  
While telling Morgan a joke, Anastasia could see Spencer suddenly was gone from the room. Had no one else seen it?

She walked out of the main office, and looked around in the big building. She looked around for some time, and then saw him outside on the little balcony.  
"Spencer, you okay?" She asked as she stepped out to him. He turned around and looked at her.  
Broken. He looked broken.  
"Anastasia, I can't anymore.." He whipsered, sounding very drunk. Slowly, he sat down on the floor. She could see he was freezing, it was pretty cold at 3 am.  
"What can't you do anymore?" She asked worried and sat down beside him. She was wearing her leather jacket, so the cold wind made her freeze in the jacket, but what he was saying was more importent.  
"When Tobias..Kidnapped me, he..kept giving me this drug.." He finally said and looked to the side Anastasia wasn't on. He didn't want to look her in the eyes.  
"What kind of drug, Spencer?" She asked and moved closer to him. He then turned his head around, and there was tears in his eyes.  
After some time of silence, he started to roll his sleeve up, and all the places the syringe had been, was visible.  
"Dilaudid is the drug he used.." He said, his voice sounding so hurt and like he could have a breakdown any second. "And I couldn't stop taking it after the Team found me.."  
Anastasia then put a hand on his arm, and then looked into his eyes. "Spencer, let me..help you" She whispered, and then took his hand.  
His hands was ice cold, but hers was warm.  
"It also made me stop eating, and I've also.." He then said, sounding like he didn't want to say the last part. "You have also what?" She asked.  
His heart was beating fast, he was afraid to scare her.  
"It's just.. The drug made me get flashbacks sometimes. Sometimes happy memories, but mostly...bad ones.  
My dad leaving, being buillied so badly, my mom feeling so bad, everyone leaving me..." He said, tears starting to roll down his face.  
"It all just got too much... And I tried to commit suicide when I was 17...I kept getting flashbacks from that, and one day after I had taken the drug, I found myself in my bathtub where I had hurt myself."  
Everything he had held inside for a long time, he finally said. He was crying a lot, but suddenly felt Anastasia hugging him.  
"I know, how you're feeling Spencer.." She whispered and held him tight. "You do?.." He asked and started to remove some of his tears with his other sleeve.  
"We can talk about that another day, but let's go home." Anastasia said, and stood op. She held a hand down to help Spencer up from the ground.  
"I will stay at your place, and we will talk about this again tommorow. I don't want you to hurt anymore..." She said and then took his hand.  
"Thank you..for wanting to stay at my place." Spencer said, and they both started to walk inside again.  
They went to his car, the others wouldn't know they were gone. The alcohol had kicked in a long time ago.


	4. Chapter 4

"Spencer, your apartment keys" Anastasia said, while walking up the stairs to his place. He searched for his keys, and finally found them. He gave her the keys, his hands shaking.  
She looked at his hands, and then looked worried at him.  
"Spencer, what's going on?" She asked, not opening the door yet.  
"I need more.." He whispered, then reached for the door. He reached for the door, but she stopped him. "Spencer.."  
She unlocked the door, and Spencer walked over to the sofa, and layed down on it. Anastasia hadn't even walked into the apartment, and he was already sleeping.  
His house looked very messy, clothes on the floor, old cups of coffee and a few dirty dishes..  
Anastasia started to clean a bit, washed some of his clothes and stuff.  
Spencer was still sleeping, and Miley saw this as a chance to see where he may hide the syrringes and the small bottles of dilaudid.  
She walked into the bathroom, and right beside the sink was two syrringes and a little bottle. The bathroom mirror was broken, like someone had punched it.  
A feeling of sadness started to spread through her body, and she then took everything in the bathroom that was sharp, and took the syrringes and the bottle. Right before she left the bathrrom, she turned around one last time to look for anything that shouldn't be there.  
"Anastasia, where are you?" A little mumble came from the living room. Anastasia walked into the living room, to get to her purse to put the plastic bag with all the syrringes and stuff down in there. When she at some point would leave the appartment, she would throw it out.  
"I'm here Spence, don't worry" She then when she got into the room. The plastic bag was behind her back, he couldn't see she had taken it. The fact, that he would get angry at her, because she took it. But it was for safety.  
She got to her purse and got the plastic bag in there without him seeing anything.  
"I- eh...I was afraid you had left me.." Spencer whispered in a very depressed tone, but then he looked at her. "But you didn't" and a little smile was on his face.  
The smile couldn't hide the fact he was hurting, and Anastasia could see right through the pain in his eyes.  
She walked over to the sofa, but she didn't sit down.  
"Spencer, I can see how bad you're hurting...Because the look in your eyes, it reminds me of how I felt once.." She then said and looked out of one of the windows.  
The grey clouds covered the night sky, and the tiny drops of water was hitting the windows in the apartment fast.  
"I'm just... done.." He then whispered.  
The air felt cold the moment he said that, and Anastasia looked at him.  
He was sitting in a bend over position, his arm wrapped around his stomach. He was making himself look so small, and like he was afraid to look at her.  
"Spencer, done with?..." She asked, knowing what he meant, but he needed to say it himself.  
"Life.."  
Something froze in her. Hearing him say it, in such a miserable voice was heart breaking.  
"It's just, I have always been bad at ever telling people what is going on in my life. Ever since my dad left and my mom never really being able to be there, I just..kept everything to myself." He then finally said after a little while with silence. Anastasia was trying to keep herself the most calm, hearing him out. She knew that was what he really needed.  
Someone to hear him out.  
"Just...I need somebody. Things like human contact has never been a part of my life, but I know how much it helps people to feel safe..." The words that came out, was with a shaking voice, sounding like he could cry any second.  
"Spencer, are you afraid to ask for a hug?.." Anastasia said, and then put a hand on his shoulder.  
He turned his eyes to her hand, then he looked into her eyes.  
"Kid, come here" She said and invited him to a hug. His cold body was shaking, afraid to do something wrong.  
Anastasia put her arms around him, and he hugged her tight. Tears started to stream down his face.  
"Please don't ever leave me.." Those words escaped his mouth, and Anastasia whispered;  
"I will never leave you, okay? I love you too much to be able to leave you." 


End file.
